THE EXPLOSIVE REVIEW

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Starring: Alan Arkin, Frank Finlay, Delia Boccardo, Patrick Cargill, Beryl Reid, Barry Foster, Clive Francis, John Bindon, Michael Ripper, Tutte Lemkow, Anthony Ainley, Wallas Eaton, David Bauer, Richard Pearson, and George Pravda.

Directed by: Bud Yorkin.

Story:
When an organized crime syndicate makes their mark all over Europe, the Prime Minister suspects a possible mole in Scotland and therefore assigns Inspector Jacques Clouseau to solve the case. After dodging a couple assassination attempts, Clouseau is kidnapped by accident. The villains, led by Johnny Rainbow, use his face to make a series of masks that look just like him. Johnny and his goons plan to use these Clouseau masks to conceal their identities during a series of bank robberies.

Characters:
*Inspector Clouseau (Alan Arkin): The bumbling detective who needs no introduction, except here he is played by a different actor.
*Commissioner Sir Charles Braithwaite (Patrick Cargill): Clouseau’s new boss.
*Clyde Hargreaves aka Johnny Rainbow (Clive Francis): The lead villain.

Overall:
“Inspector Clouseau” is the third entry in the ‘Pink Panther’ series, following “A Shot In The Dark”. As you may notice, the title character has been replaced by Alan Arkin instead of Peter Sellers who had a bit of a falling out with director Blake Edwards who directed the first two, therefore, Sellers declined to return, that is until the fourth film in 1975. This was also not directed by Blake Edwards nor was it scored by Henry Mancini. It’s quite sad that they didn’t return for this outing as it would have been a huge improvement over what it currently is.

Alan Arkin isn’t really bad as Inspector Clouseau, actually, he’s quite equal to Sellers and he does grow on you after about ten minutes of watching him. But the laughs really don’t work as well as they should with the exception of a few moments, however, it is missing Blake Edwards’ touch and direction. Also disappointing is the absence of Herbert Lom’s Commissioner Dreyfus, Clouseau’s boss who wants nothing but to kill him, and is instead replaced by Commissioner Sir Charles Braithwaite who is calm and simply gets annoyed by Clouseau every now and then - Why? We don’t know, the film makes no reference as to why the change was made. I could understand if Patrick Cargill was playing Dreyfus this time (which would suck), but he’s clearly playing a different commissioner here. Burt Kwouk’s Cato, Clouseau’s martial arts servant, is also missing here. Where on Earth are these regulars of the ‘Pink Panther’ series? The first one didn’t have those two either, but it was held together by Blake Edwards and Peter Sellers.

The plot of the film isn’t actually bad though, villains trying to use Clouseau’s identity to conduct their crimes and blame him for it. However, I can see why many people don’t regard “Inspector Clouseau” as the official third ‘Pink Panther’ film and instead look to the following one, “The Return of the Pink Panther”. “Inspector Clouseau” is missing the direction of Blake Edwards, Peter Sellers in the title role with his regular co-stars, and a better script.

Rating: **1/2

Starring: Emily Browning, Arielle Kebbel, Elizabeth Banks, David Strathairn, Maya Massar, Kevin McNulty, Jesse Moss, Lex Burnham, Danny Bristol, Matthew Bristol, Don S. Davis, Heather Doerksen, and Dean Paul Gibson.

Directed by: Charles Guard and Thomas Guard.

Story:
Anna Ivers, a young girl who was institutionalized for her recurring dreams of her dead mother and ghostly visions, is now released and arrives home with her sister Alex and father David. David is now living, dating, and sleeping with his dead wife’s nurse, Rachel Summers, whom the two daughters suspect to be responsible for their mother’s death. As usual, David refuses to believe them and thinks they’re out of their mind. Meanwhile, Rachel threatens the two daughters behind his back while Anna’s ghostly visions give her further insight into Rachel’s true intentions. Together, Anna and Alex team up to stop Rachel before she kills them and her father.

Characters:
*Anna Ivers (Emily Browning): A young girl who keeps having weird ghostly visions and dreams of her deceased mother.
*Alex Ivers (Arielle Kebbel): Anna’s sister, roughly the same age.
*Rachel Summers (Elizabeth Banks): The nurse of the deceased mother who is now the significant other of the widowed husband.
*Steven Ivers (David Strathairn): Anna and Alex’s concerned father.
*Lilian Ivers (Maya Massar): Alex and Anna’s dead mother who keeps appearing to Anna in her dreams.
*Matt (Jesse Moss): Another typical teenage pretty face boy who’s a ‘friend’ of Anna and serves no other purpose except cannon fodder.
*Mildred Kemp (Heather Doerksen): The woman whom Anna and Alex suspect to be the same along with Rachel Summers.
*Dr. Silberman (Dean Paul Gibson): Anna’s psychiatrist.

Overall:
I have to admit, I had very low expectations for this film which happens to be yet another remake of a recently released South Korean horror movie (how many more times, please God, how many more?). While I haven’t seen the original film it is based on, “A Tale of Two Sisters” (2003), “The Uninvited” was surprisingly watchable although it was quite an average film. Also bare in mind, “The Uninvited” shares no relation to two other films of the same name, one being (another) 2003 Korean horror film and the other a 1944 American film.

“The Uninvited” does have its share of cliched horror movie scare tactics which the film studios continue to include regardless of how ineffective they are; the twist it pulls at the end is somewhat cliche as we have seen it before, however, you pretty much won’t see it coming throughout most of the movie. The performances and dialogue are right out of your typical run-of-the-mill teenage horror movie from the 2000s, David Strathairn and Elizabeth Banks do well with what they are given to work with. Stay tuned for the next remake.

Rating: **1/2

Starring: Angus Scrimm, A. Michael Baldwin, Bill Thornbury, Reggie Bannister, Kathy Lester, Terrie Kalbus, Kenneth V. Jones, Susan Harper, Lynn Eastman, David Arntzen, Ralph Richmond, Bill Cone, Laura Mann, Mary Ellen Shaw, and Myrle Scotton.

Directed by: Don Coscarelli.

Story:
24 year old Jody Pearson and his 13 year old brother Mike Pearson are residing in a small suburban town where death happens very often, that includes both of their parents too. Jody and Mike, along with their ice cream vendor friend Reggie, begin to suspect The Tall Man as being responsible for the plague of deaths. Before you know it, The Tall Man’s minions begin haunting and pursuing Mike, forcing him to try and convince his older brother of what’s going on. Once he successfully does so, the three of them discover an odd white room with containers inside the mausoleum, there happens to be a gateway in this room that leads to another planet (or dimension perhaps?) which Mike momentarily enters and sees the dwarfs that have chased him throughout the whole film being used as slaves.

Characters:
*The Tall Man (Angus Scrimm): A supernatural undertaker who is capable of turning dead people into dwarf versions of zombies and orders them to do his work.
*Mike Pearson (A. Michael Baldwin): Jody’s younger 13 year old brother who is the main protagonist and pretty much is ahead of everyone else in terms of knowing what’s really going on.
*Jody Pearson (Bill Thornbury): A 24 year old musician who is raising his 13 year old brother Mike. Their parents recently passed away.
*Reggie (Reggie Bannister): An ice cream vendor who teams up with Mike and Jody in their suspicions of the supernatural mortician.

Overall:
Although “Phantasm” has long since become a cult classic and has many redeeming things about it, it comes off as possibly being one of the most boring films of 1979 (not to say I was alive in that year, but it certainly gives off that impression). The film is about an evil figure known as The Tall Man (Scrimm) who is a supernatural undertaker of sorts that turns the deceased into these ‘dwarf zombies’ whom he commands to do all of his dirty work. We come to learn that The Tall Man was formerly a mortician.

The film does engage in some visually stunning special effects - such as a silver sphere sequence which caused the film to initially be rated X by the MPAA because the scene involved a man urinating on the floor from a wound in his forehead before his corpse falls to the ground - and some rather creepy chase sequences involving The Tall Man and the main characters. Overall, the movie does have some interesting story concepts but the tone of it all is rather repressed and boring, especially the music. I know that the director was trying to pull us into the film’s world of a town that is plagued by death and the deceased, but accompanying it with repressive horror music isn’t going to enhance the film’s quality any further.

Rating: **1/2

Starring: Linda Blair, Richard Burton, Louise Fletcher, Max von Sydow, Kitty Winn, James Earl Jones, and Paul Henreid.

Directed by: John Boorman.

Story:
Four years after “The Exorcist”, the Cardinal assigns Father Philip Lamont to investigate the mysterious death of Father Lankester Merrin who was killed during the exorcism of the Assyrian demon Pazuzu that possessed Regan MacNeil. The Cardinal informs Lamont that Merrin’s death has brought upon posthumous heresy charges and some church facilities are not even sure if the exorcism was necessary - Basically, they don’t want to acknowledge the existence of Satan. Lamont, a priest who is struggling with faith, has some experience in exorcism, and is well aware of Merrin’s controversial teachings, accepts the assignment.

Meanwhile, Regan MacNeil has grown into a beautiful young teenage girl and is now seemingly normal, she is currently staying with guardian Sharon Spencer while her mother is away shooting a movie in California. Despite Regan’s normal state, she continues to be monitored at a psychiatric facility by Dr. Gene Tuskin, who believes Regan’s memories of her exorcism are buriedor repressed within. Father Lamont visits the institute and attempts to question Regan but is rebuffed by Dr. Gene Tuskin who thinks Lamont’s influence will do her no good, considering past events. Instead, Tuskin uses a biofeedback device called the synchronizer to synchronize the brainwaves of two people, namely Tuskin and Regan, in order to find out what happened that night and how Father Merrin died. Along the way, they encounter the evil Pazuzu once more…

Characters:
*Father Philip Lamont (Richard Burton): Yet another priest struggling with his faith, assigned by the Cardinal to investigate Father Lankester Merrin’s death from the previous film.
*Cardinal (Paul Henreid): Assigns Father Philip Lamont to take care of the plot in this film because he’s much worried about Father Merrin’s reputation.
*Father Lankester Merrin (Max Von Sydow): The deceased and highly knowledgeable priest from the original film, was killed by Pazuzu during the exorcism of Regan MacNeil. He appears here in a dream sequence of sorts.
*Regan MacNeil (Linda Blair): The possessed 12 year old girl from the previous film who is now 16 and a full-blown hottie. Unfortunately, she’s still having demonic issues - Beware Men.
*Sharon Spencer (Kitty Winn): Regan’s guardian from the first film. She’s taking care of her while mommy is away filming a movie.
*Dr. Gene Tuskin (Louise Fletcher): Regan’s sexy psychiatrist who likes to use to hypnosis machines to see what’s going on in Regan’s mind.
*Kokumo (James Earl Jones): A man who was exorcised as a young boy by Father Lamont.
*Pazuzu: The evil Assyrian demon who possessed Regan last time around. Doesn’t seem too scary here.

Overall:
Its films like “Exorcist II: The Heretic” which give sequels a bad reputation. Its films like “Exorcist II: The Heretic” which make you wonder why they even bothered making a sequel in the first place. This sequel to the creepy horror classic, “The Exorcist” (1973), is devoid of any qualities found in the original. The entire film is a complete bore, there isn’t one ounce of scariness anywhere to be found here. This is more of a telekinetic murder mystery and Father Lamont is a detective of sorts while Regan MacNeil walks around the sets in skimpy outfit and shows off her sultry self like she’s Marilyn Monroe.

For a good chunk of the second act in the film, Father Lamont continues his investigation in Africa where he meets up with a man whom he exorcised as a boy (shown in the opening sequence), meanwhile Regan sits her tush at home, missing in action. The only two things this sequel has going for it is a very, very hot and young Linda Blair and a third act which surprisingly picks up and makes things a little more interesting. Pazuzu doesn’t have much to do here either, he is included in the many interviews or investigations rather through the synchronizer device and as well as a possessed reincarnation of Regan herself towards the end of the film - But the fact of the matter remains that Pazuzu is not the demon we have become familiar with from the original. Scary my arse, you, me, and Pazuzu could all meet at a cafe and have lunch together.

After watching “Exorcist II: The Heretic”, it’s very easy to see why it was such a huge box-office failure back when it was released - For a film that is so boring, is it any wonder that is directed by a man named John Boorman?

Rating: **1/2